|Season 3, Episode 7|
|Air date||December 15, 2011|
|Episode run time||3:26|
Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew is the seventh episode of the third season of Dick Figures.
Holy smokes! It's a rip-roarin' Red Drunk Redemption! After a tipsy night of guzzling the devil's water, Red railroads Blue into a High Plains, bare-knuckle booze brawl.
Red: (chanting) One more bar! One more bar! One more bar!
Blue: (drunk) Dude, I can barely walk. My feet feel retarded. (His stomach churns.)
Red: Ohhh, siiick, an old-timey saloon! I'mma get me some sarsaparilla like a six-shootin' cowpoke. (Leaps away.)
Blue: Nooooo! I'm so tired, can we go home so I can puke in my own bed?
(Red opens the swinging doors to the saloon and strikes a cowboy pose.)
Red: 'Sup, partners? (Falls forward. He then pops up at the bar.) Yowww! Gimme some sarsaparilla! (The bartender slides a shot to him. He downs it instantly.) That was nothin'! Gimme another!
Bartender: (Southern accent) Whoa, there, city-slicker. Don't you wanna take it easy?
Red: Don't you want to take my money? (Shows his cash.)
Bartender: Right! (The cash rains down on him. He slides a pyramid of fifteen shots to Red, who downs them all at once.)
Red: Fuuuuuuck, I don't feel a thing! What kind of weak-sauce fire-water is this?
Bartender: Sarsaparilla is root beer.
Red: Root beer?! (Wipes the glasses off the bar, pulls out two guns and aims them at the bartender.) How dare you serve me nonalcoholic drinks?! (The bartender sticks his hands in the air. All of the patrons aim their guns at Red.) Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned Mexican standoff.
(The street artists are seen.)
Brown street artist: (scoffs) That's racist, man. I'm from Guadalajara.
Army green street artist: Sí, taco. We may speak Spanish, but we're not Mexicanos.
Red: Looks like we got ourselves a Guadalajaran standoff. Eat my bulletos!
(Everyone starts shooting at each other. The bartender ducks behind the bar. Red backflips to behind it and continues shooting. A patron falls dead in front of the doors. Blue opens them to enter, but sees the dead patron and steps back out. Another patron shoots at Red, but misses, getting the beer bottles. Red shoots him back and shoots another patron, ending the standoff.)
Bartender: (pops up) Everyone okay?
(Mr. Dingleberry, at a piano, groans and coughs.)
Mr. Dingleberry: Guess this is my last performance. (Plays a few notes of "Maple Leaf Rag" and collapses onto the keys.)
Red: You got me sober, bartender. What do you say you make things right and get me drunk...fo free?
Bartender: Well, then I could, friend-a-hoo, but you shot every last bottle o' Hooch and Moonshine in the joint.
Red: (in despair) No. No alcohol??
Bartender: 'Fraid not. Shoot, there's a train makin' a delivery shortly. Shouldn't be more than a couple minutes.
Red: A couple of minutes?!
(The booze train is seen in motion. Behind it, Red and Blue are riding horses to catch up to it.)
Red: We're robbin' that fuckin' train!
Blue: Come on, dude, I'm so tired! Please!
Red: Alcohol for breakfaaast! (They both reach the train and climb onto it.) Hot damn, we hit the motherload! (A shot hits the beer crate next to him.) Banditos!
(Four bandits are on the back half of the train. One of them falls down.)
Blue: Those guys are even drunker than I am.
(Red pulls out the two guns and gives one to Blue.)
Red: Not drunker than me.
(He and Blue start another standoff with the bandits. Two of them are shot dead and two crates are shot as well, causing beer to pour out.)
Red: (to Blue) Dude, you're wasting the sweet nectar of life!
Blue: I'm sorry, man. I think I have alcohol blindness.
Red: Aimin' mah gun. (Shoots a coupling, splitting up the train. The two remaining bandits manage to jump to Red and Blue's half.) Get outta here! (He and Blue run away. Red takes a bottle out of a saké crate.)
Blue: What are you doing?
Red: (holds up the bottle) Saké bomb! (Throws it into the train's engine. He and Blue jump back onto the horses.)
Bandit 1: Should we jump off?
Bandit 2: Nah. (The front half of the train goes down a cliff, taking the two bandits with it, and explodes off-screen.)
Red: (he and Blue are off their horses) Cool. (The horses leave as the back half of the train slows to a stop behind them.) ♪If you're happy and you know it, suck my dick!♪
Blue: Now, can we go home and sleep?
Red: Are you kidding me? We got all this alcohol, it's time to party! (Starts dancing.)
Blue: No more. I think I'm--(stammers) (Red farts), I think I'm--(stammers) I'm dead. (Falls forward.)
Red: My balls are like watermelons. (Grunts rhythmically.)
Dick Figures Title
Red was up in the air for a bit when he noticed the old-time saloon and again at the end when the train wagons come to a stop.
The word "DICK FIGURES" appears with the "I"s replaced by galloping horses.
The Last Line Being Cut
- No female characters appear in this episode.
- The video thumbnail does not feature Red or Blue.
- The titles name is a reference to the sound a steam train makes (Chugga Chugga Choo Choo).
- This marks the fourth appearance of the street artists.
- Despite the street artists' claims otherwise, Guadalajara is a city in Mexico.
- This is the first time in the series that stereotypical "Western-era" firearms are used.
- When Red says "We're robbing that fucking train!", he is making a similar line to one of his in Lord Tourette's Syndrome: "We're finding that FUCKING HAT!"
- The explosion looks same to the one in Camp Anarchy when one of Red's campers puts a dynamite stick on a pile of campfire wood, causing a huge explosion in their location.
- This is one of the only episodes that have Beer or Wine as a plot point.
- Blue being drunk in this episode shows that this episode probably started after Red and Blue killed Zeus in Zeusbag.
- Red is able to drink and not get drunk.