This is the full transcript for Dick Figures: The Movie.
(the film starts off zooming up in outer space)
Disembodied voice: This is a story about Stick Figures. Who live in a world full of monsters & explosions &....... Raccoons & a lot of other cool stuff too. And it all takes place on a little planet we like to call... (shows Saturn) Earth. (Pans right to Earth) There it is.
(A red asteroid-like object descends toward it.)(Camera moves from the sky to an elementary school.)
(Then a bus appears, with Mr. Dingleberry being the driver.)
(The characters of the series come out of the bus, one by one as kids.)
Jason (Trollz0r): First!
(The Auto-Tuned Bee flies out along with him.)
Lord Tourettes: Who the FUCK cares! (giggles)
Raccoon: I can't wait for runch! ("Lunch" in his accent)
Pink : Eww. Boys have cooties!
(Blue stops at the bus door looking nervous and lonely. The rest of the group heads for school just as Pink looks back at Blue and smiles.)
(Blue shrugs and heads to school.)
Mr. Dingleberry: (off-screen) Oh no! Not the explosion factory!
(There is a firey explosion behind Blue as he walks unphased by what happened making him look cool, but then he falls head first in a mud puddle. Pink giggles and walks off as Blue recovers from the fall.)
Broseph: (standing by the school sign mocking Blue) Ah ha ha ha. Where'd you learn to walk? Cripple school? (claps his hand) Nice! (walks off)
(Blue starts walking among the kids.)
Raccoon: If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands. (He and a girl clap. The girl then pets him.)
(As Blue is walking, there is a sign saying: Play Nice At Recess!)
Stacy: (downing a pixie stick next to Pink.) Hey bitch, want a pixie stick?
Pink: My mom says those turn you into a whore.
Stacy: Probably!! (She continues eating her pixie stick.)
Lord Tourettes: (runs up to Blue) Oh hello Blue!
Blue: Hey Lord Tourettes.
Lord Tourettes: Ahaa! First day of class?
Blue: (timidly) Yeah...
(They past the Fat Ugly Girl, who is jumping rope & is actually skinny.)Lord Tourettes: SPLENDID!! Mine as well! Say, there's a young JERKFACE looking for you! (Blue expression changes, kind of scared) Says he wants to beat your BUTT until you die. Ha! Ta-ta. (giggles off leaving Blue in front of a sign that says "SCHOOL IS TEH BEST!", worried)
Blue: (heads to the playground to sit on the see saw) Whee... (sighs)
Broseph: (leans on the see saw near Blue) Sup, brah. You new here or what?
Blue: (Looks uneasy) Uh, yeah... 1st day!
Broseph: (walks up the see saw to the other side to lift Blue up in the air) Must be, 'cause otherwise YOU'd know that the see saw is for 5th graders.
Blue: (starts panicking) Sorry. I didn't know. (other kids crowd around Blue from the ground)
Broseph: Yeah? Price for playing on the 5th-grade playground, is your milk money. (The other kids pull Blue down & hold him to the see saw as he struggles free, lifting Broseph into the air as lightning strikes in the background.)
Blue: But, I'm lactose-intolerant!
Broseph: Really? Well, lets see if you're fist-tose intolerant!
(The kids start to beat up Blue & he starts to cry.)
Broseph: What's the matter, blue kid?
Blue: My mom says that I drink too much water & that's how come I cry so much...and pee! (shows a yellow puddle under Blue)
Random Kid: Gross! (they continue to beat Blue.)
Broseph: (as a few other kids, including Stacy & Pink, start to notice what is going on.) You know that I got held back five years? But my muscles didn't. Uhh! (Flexes. The Kids continue to beat Blue.) ♪Old McDonald had a farm, now you're gonna die, nerd!
Blue: Noooo!! (the bullies punches his face even more)
Broseph: (while staring down at Blue's agony when suddenly a red bang comes from the sky. Broseph begins to notice it.) Huh? (A red light begins to brighten up the sky.)
Kids: Whoa. What is that? (Pink shields her eyes a little)
Lord Tourettes: Look! It's an ASS-teroid!!
Broseph: No. No! Nooo... (starts to panic as it speeds right toward him & blows him up. As the fumes of the asteroid settles, Blue recovers 1st & walk over to the crater. Amusingly, it shows the skull of Broseph with his hair as a part of his skull. A red foot stomps it to pieces & then show the person to be Red as a kid with his hat facing the front.)
Blue: (sees Red in amazement & suprise) Huuuhh?!
Stacy: Oh my God! Who's that?
Forest green bully: It's a new kid! Get him!
(The bullies start to charge in as Red flips his hat to the back & the fight begins. Red 1st jumps into the air & points at the kids, angrily, as lighting is being struck behid him.)(He goes back down & beats up 6 kids, inside the crater. He then jumps to the other side, shown in slow motion, and kicks 2 more kids. He beats up 5 more of them & he then grabs 1, jumps into the air & throws the kid to the ground, creating an explosion & defeating all the kids inside the crater.)
(Red then runs towards a kid & jump kicks him into a circular climbing frame. Red goes to the top of it, punches 7 kids that were trying to get to him & then, he jumps & punches the climbing frame, making it fall & crash, as some kids also fall with it.)
(Red then runs to a teether ball attached to a pole. He punches the ball, making fall all the kids that were around him & starts beating up 5 kids with it. He then hangs a kid to the rope & Red proceeds to get inside the slide.)
(5 kids gets inside it by going to the top, but Red knocks them out 1 by 1 inside it & beats up more of them when he gets out. As he gets to a small playground bridge, 6 kids with baseball bats start surrounding him & makes him unable to escape.)
(Red beats them using their own bats (1 kid does the Wilhem scream when he gets knock out the bridge) & then jumps high to throw the baseball bat at the bridge, breaking it in two. When Red gets down, the kids gang piles up on him, seeying a close up on his face, as he is being punched by the kids & unable to move. Red finally decides to use all his strength to throw every kid by standing up, ending the fight.)
(Some kids landed a few yards away, 1 landed in a tree)
Stacy: Oh my God! You're sooo sexy! (Pink then pulls her away.)
Red: I know.
Blue: Dude, you saved my life!!
Red: I know!
Blue: What's your name?
Red: I know! Uh, I mean, I'm Red.
Blue: My name is Blue. No matter what happens, I promise, I will always be your friend!Red: I know. 'Cuz I'm Awesome!(As Red & Blue high-5, the screen turns white & shows Blue opening his lunch box but finds it empty, he looks over at Red eating his sandwhich while staring at girls. It then shows Red picking players for dodgeball & points to Blue but is actually pointing to a Blue look-alike with black sunglasses. Then it shows Red & Blue in class. Red looks over at Blue's work & writes it down as Blue looks at Red, angry. Lord Tourettes raises his hand at the teacher & then swears by accident. The teacher orders Lord Tourettes to sit outside & she gives Red & Blue test sheets showing their grades. They both get an F & Red slaps Blue.)
(It then shows Red & Blue starting middle school. (Broseph can be seen impressing Pink) It then cuts to a middle school dance with Blue feeling alone while Red and others (including the Blue look-alike with Pink) dancing with each other. It then cuts to Red & Blue holding sheets with test grades. Blue gets an A while Red gets an F & slaps Blue again.)(It then cuts to Blue showing his braces while Red shows off his golden teeth. A pair of sunglasses flies onto Red's eyes while Blue has braces on his legs. It cuts to Red & Blue in high school about to high 5 but Red ends up following 3 girls. It cuts to Red, Blue, Pink, Lord Tourettes & Broseph starting college while Stacy heads to Med School. It cuts to Red dancing with girls while Blue studies his tests. It cuts to Red & Blue in class while Red is asleep, Red & Blue recieve their grades & Red slaps Blue in his sleep. It then shows the characters wearing college hats holding their grades & throwing their hats in the air (including Red & Lord Tourettes' hats).
(shows a 2D Platforming game on TV with a Gelato Bete type character)
Gelato Bete: Gelato!
(Gelato jumps off a cliff)
Gelato Bete: Mama mia!
(shows a huge mess & zooms to show Red drinking his can & burping. He laughs & wipes his mouth with a T-Shirt. It cuts to Blue's desk in Blue's room as the camera zooms to the left)
Pink: (off-screen) Come on Blue, please?
Blue: (off-screen) I'm not gonna tell you.
Pink: (off-screen) Please, please, please?
Blue: (off-screen) No way! I got you the greatest birthday present of all time. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise.
(shows Blue & Pink lying on Blue's bed)
Pink: (laughs) You're such a jerk! (punches Blue's arm)
Blue: Ah! Oh my god! Oww.
Pink: Wow. You're a jerk & a wuss.
Blue: No?! (groans in pain)
Pink: Alright you pussy. I gotta go to work. (gets off Blue's bed)
(cuts back to Red playing his game)
Pink: (off-screen) See you later, Blue! I'll call you tonight.
Blue: (off-screen) Okay smoochie poo-poo pie.
Pink: (walks in from the left) I can't wait to see what you get me for my birthday.
Red: Hey, toots!Pink: Go to hell, Red. (walks away)
Red: Okay, see you there!
(the Gelato on the game falls of the cliff again & appears again)
Gelato Bene: Gelato!
Blue: (walks in) Dude, this place is a dump!
Red: You know where there is a dump? Your bed. (laughs)
Blue: God damn it dude, not again. Use the toilet!
(Blue grabs a sheet from his door when suddenly Mr. Dingleberry opens it)
Blue: Ah! Mr. Dingleberry!
Mr. Dingleberry: You haven't payed rent in 8 months!
Blue: Oh my god, you're right. Here, let me get my checkbook. (shuts door & walks away)
Mr. Dingleberry: (off-screen) Okay. I'll just wait right here.
(The 8-bit Gelato jumps off the cliff again)
Gelato: Gelato! (dodges the enemy only to fall again) Oww! Again!
(Blue opens the fridge)
Blue: (sighs) Expired, expired, rotten, poison,
(cuts back to Red in the living room. Blue walks in)
Blue: Dude, you've been playing that 1st level for 3 hours, can you really not make that jump?
Red: Psh! I can make it. Just HATE that little guy!
(The Gelato on the game falls into fire)
Gelato: MAMA MIAA!!!
Blue: (takes controller) Move over. I got a degree in advanced joystick theory & I ain't afraid to use it.
Red: Yeah, I heard you practicing last night.
(cuts to Red using a stethoscope listening to Blue in his room outside his door)
Blue: (fapping sound) Uh, Olivia! Oh Munn! (cuts to Blue who looks like he's masturbating at his computer) You do it for me everytime! (pulls up knits) There! Done with this hand crocheted towel of Olivia Munn! Time to jack off.
(cuts back to Red & Blue)
Blue: Let me show you how this shit's done, son!
(power goes out)
Red: THE FUCK?! Who took them lights?!
Blue: I mean we haven't payed the electricity bill in 7 months.
Red: We pay for electricity?
Blue: You don't! I do!
Red: (gasps) Wait! (jumps off-screen) All of our food's gonna go bad!
Blue: All of our food IS bad!
(Red rushes to the fridge & eats the food)
Red: Can't let. (eats turkey) Precious food. (eats rest of turkey) Go to waste!
Blue: Dude you know that's all expired.
Red: (coughs) I DON'T CARE! (laughs)
Blue: Oh god, not the milk.
Red: (drinks milk) I'll keep you safe in my belly cow juice! (spits out a little bit of milk) I think I'm gonna vom...
Blue: (worries) Hey listen. I-I got a big problem. I totally just lied to Pink.
Red: EEEGS! (eats eggs)
Blue: Her birthday's next week & I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything!
Red: (gowns down mayonnaise jar) Give her this mayonnaise jar. Aaaaaahh....
Blue: No. Come on, you know what girls like right? What should I get her?
Red: Hey you should go see The Racc- (vomits)
Blue: See who?
Red: The Raccoo- (vomits)
Blue: What are you trying to say?!
Red: I can only say so many words before I- (vomits)
(cuts to Red & Blue at Ancient Secrets 'N' Things)
Red: The Raccoon!
Red: He's got the coolest stuff.
(Red & Blue walk in the store & shows many things on sale, including the statue of Kitty Amazing)
Blue: Eesh. I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop.
Red: (gasps) You should get her this cool hat! (picks up a Bear Trap)
Blue: Yeah, try it on.
(Blue walks up to the Raccoon)
Raccoon: So, you want a gift for your girrfriend, ehhh?
Blue: Whoa. How'd you know?
Raccoon: You talk-a very roud.
(bear trap activation noises are heard)
Red: (off-screen) Fits perfect!Raccoon: DID YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING BEAR TRAP?!
Red: (walks on-screen with a bear trap on his head while bleeding) No. Idiot.
Blue: Um, So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time & I wanna get her something super romantic.
Raccoon: (pulls out a map) I've got-a the perfect gift for you. But first, a story.
(Red & Blue groan)
Red: No! Old people stories!
Raccoon: A rong time ago, in ancient Japan. (camera zooms in on map & shows a shadow in front of a villiage) My country was at war. My small virrage was all that was reft. (shows The Raccoon with another raccoon wearing a bow) Knowing I may die in battle. I gave my wife our symbol of undying rove, a Rotus Frower. Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, The Great Sword of Destiny, I reft to confront my fate. (shows a giant octopus behind Raccoon's villiage) But the mighty beast Ocho Muerte emerged from the sea and-a took my wife! (Ocho Muerte grabs Mama-san & eats her as she drops her Lotus Flower) I was too rate! In my rage, I fought the Takagami Demon Army (screen turns black as blood splatters across the screen) And srew ten hundred thousand hundred warriors! Honorabry, (shows Raccoon fighting Lord Takagami) all that remained was-a Rord Takagami himself. Though wounded, he shattered the brade & scattered it through the wind. As he ray dying, he said to me.
Lord Takagami: Fuck you!
Raccoon: (raises middle finger) He was a douchebag.
Lord Takagami: You may have won the battle Raccoon, but the ghosts of my warriors will haunt The Great Sword of Destiny, FOREVER!
Raccoon: And with-a that he died, but his curse remains, guarding the sword against any who seek to use it's great-a power again. But the power of the brade was-a too strong even-a for me. (Raccoon peeks to find Japan on fire) And in the fury of battre, I found I destroyed not only the Takagami Demon Army, but all of Japan! (shows another raccoon pointing to Raccoon) Dishonered, my kinsmen banished me from my home! (shows Raccoon on a row boat going into the sunset) Never again, to return.
(cuts back to the shop and Raccoon is asleep, Red bangs on a gong to wake him back up)
Raccoon: Oh! Sorry. I was-a bored my own story.
Red: Wait, so where's the sword?
Raccoon: There is onry one reft arive who knows.
Blue: Hold up. Why the hell would I get Pink a sword? This is retarded!
Raccoon: NO! Bring me the sword and in return, I shall give you the greatest gift a girl-- NO! A woman-- NO! A goddess could ever hope to recieve.
Red: Is it, a dick?
Raccoon: No. (laughs) You very gurrible.
Blue: Well, who even knows where it still is?
Raccoon: You must-a find the man who considers me his greatest enemy. (zooms on Raccoon) My son, Son-san!
(Blue picks up the map & looks at the Ninja Sushi restauraunt in Japan. He places the map down)
Blue: Nope, you're weird. I'm just gonna go buy her some flowers. (walks off-screen)
Red: (grabs the map & looks at it) Shit, I'll find that sword! This sounds awesome!
Blue: What? Really?
Red: Yeah, man! It's a ten-thousand year-old sword, hidden in Japan, guarded by demon ninjas?! (shaking his arms)That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of!
Blue: Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed going after that thing.
Red: Maybe...but at least I'm not a goddamn pussy!
Blue: I'm not a pussy!
Raccoon: You ARE a pussy, with a capitor vagina! I told you about the brade cause I thought you would have the courage to do something...extraordinary!
Red: Yeah right, all he does all day is sit in his room playing with his joystick. He'd TOTALLY get killed.
(Blue looks down looking insulted)
Red: Have fun stayin' home man! I'll send you a postcard!
Raccoon: (sighs) This was a mistake. Onry a true hero could find The Great Sword of Destiny. But I can see now. it is not you.
(Blue looks down desperately, then he looks back up at Raccoon.)
Blue: You're wrong!
Blue: Yeah! I'm gonna find the shit out of that sword!
Raccoon: It's going to be very dangerous.
Blue: Good! Pussies hate danger! And I'm NOT a pussy! (walks off-screen as Raccoon nods at him. Blue takes the map from Red) Give me that!
Red: Aw-ha yeah! Time to get our quest on! Whoo!
Chapter 3(cuts to the docks as Red & Blue hide behind boxes)
Blue: Okay, maybe I was wrong. This is pretty scary.
Red: Seriously!? You wanna get Pink a sick present or not?
Blue: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's go.
Red: Aw yeah. Follow my lead! (they run off & hide behind more boxes where guards stand) Oh crap! There's guards!
Blue: What do we do?
(Red performs a cartwheel but falls & quickly hides behind the crates)
Guard 1: (shines light at boxes immediately) Holy shit! Did you see that?
Guard 2: Uh, no.
Guard 1: Me neither.
Guard 1: (recognizes Blue) Hey you! Hiding behind those crates!
Red: Cartwheel dude!
(Blue performs a cartwheel & runs away with Red)
Guard 1: Ah, huh? Where'd he go?
Guard 2: (dismayed) Damn, cartwheels every time!
(Guard 1 throws down his hat on the ground & Guard 2 breaks his flashlight in half in anger)
(We see Red & Blue hiding on top of a rectangular crate filled with garbage)
Red: Whew! See? How would you have any fun without me?
Blue: Reading is fun.
Red: Your mom's fun! (Laughs)
(Blue looks at Red with an annoyed look)
Red: Now let's find ourselves a boat!
(Red grabs a can and uses it as a telescope. He spots a boat filled with weapons)
Red: (gasps) How 'bout this one?
(A seal with big eyes appears near the boat as it loads a very large and powerful gun & shoots the seal)
Red: (quietly, with a cute face) It's perfect.
Blue: Dude, let's just get on that one!
(shows another boat known as Booze Cruise with people dancing on it)
Red: No way, have you seen how awesome this thing is?! The guns have guns!
(showing the other boat, more guns load)
Blue: This one's got boobs & beer! (Red runs off-screen) Red?
Red: (off-screen) BOOBS & BEEERRR!
Blue: I'm gonna regret this.
(Red & Blue approach the boat but are stopped by Broseph)Broseph: Halt bra! This booze cruise is for college house dudes, and dudettes, ONLY! Hmm?? (recognises Red) Whoa! Holy Shit! Your that Freshman 15 dude, dude! Didn't you, like, nail 15 freshman chicks in like one night?
(suddenly cuts to the Freshman 15 episode being watched on YouTube)
Girl: (runs off-screen) Naked party!
Red: (runs off after the girl) Here we go! Whoo! 1st!
(A count down begins as Red starts to have sex with the girl. It goes to 1, then more girls appear as the counter goes to 4. While Red is doing the 4 freshmen girls, we see their Bras and Panties flying on Blue's head)
Red: Oh shit! That's like 4!
Blue: (starts to walk off) Fuck my life!
(cuts back to Red, Blue & Broseph)
Red: Oh yeah, that was back in my college years. Can't believe it was only 15.
Broseph: Yes bro, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro. Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side, watch out for Neptune.
(shows Trollz0r dancing near Neptune. He stabs Trollz0r as he makes a crazed angry rage face)
Trollz0r: Aah!! Party Foul!! (falls)
Red: Whoo! (runs on to the boat) Titties, here I come!
Blue: Oh wow, that was way easy!
Broseph: Halt, brah! This party train's sailing for Port Cool, so consider yourself the 3rd wheel.
Blue: Wait, but I thought we were cool?
Broseph: (hands Blue his drink & list) You thought thinkin' was cool? Dude?
(The small bridge suddenly lifts Broseph up & onto the boat while Blue angrily drops the list & the drink)
Blue: What the hell!?
Red: Sorry dude! Should of banged more Freshman chicks!
Blue: How the fuck am I going to get to Japan!?
Red: Take your car, stupid!
(Blue looks back at 2 dock workers)
Dock Worker 1: Hey! We only have room for one more pallet! Should we load the beer or the life vests?
Dock Worker 2: Load the BEER! No regrets!
Dock Worker 1: No regrets!
(The dock workers load the beer onto the ship while Blue quickly grabs on the box & takes him into the ship)
Neptune: Let's get this party started! Captain DJ, make that anchor...drop!
(The ship's captain presses a button, causing an anchor to fall in the water & the boat sails across the sea with the Bath Rhymes instrumental in the background. It then shows the map with the boat moving)
Narrator: And so Red & Blue took a Booze Cruise across the ocean blue. But they were attacked by pirates! And they were all beheaded! (A pirate boat suddenly attacks the ship & the boat sinks. It quickly comes back up) Just kidding. They all got sea scurvy & died out of their butts! (The boat sinks again in a puff of fart clouds but comes back up getting closer to Japan) No, no these are all lies. Unfortunately, they made it to Japan, but pirates sounded pretty cool right? All right, here's Japan.(The boat arrives at Japan where a giant robot can be seen walking across the city.)
Red: Whooo! Alright!
(The boat's walkway comes down & Red & Blue look at the city. 2 anime women greet them.)
Women: Ah, Konichiwa! (Bow their heads.)
Red: Ha. Dude. This place is so racist. Bong pai fong, bitches.
(The women giggle.)
Red: You ladies wanna sumo wrestle? (Walks down the walkway.)
Blue: I'm gonna die here.
Guy on boat: See ya, dudes! No regrets!
Red: (waving at guy) No regrets, dudes! (Puts his arms around the women & walks with them. Blue follows. The people on the boat cheer.)
(Cut to Red & Blue walk around the city, looking around in awe.)
(Time lapse. Red & Blue watch a man cut watermelons. A "watermellon" comes to life & jumps on Red.)
(Time lapse. A man takes a picture of his suitcase. A group of women take a selfie. Red & Blue walk by while Red sneaks a picture of one of the women's behind.)
(Time lapse. Red & Blue stand in front of a train. A group of people & familiar characters like Sonic The Hedgehog rush in, taking the pair with them. Red & Blue end up on the other side of the train. Another group rushes them in again. Red & Blue are crammed inside the train with other people.)
(Time lapse. Red & Blue walk around the city again.)
(Time lapse. Red & Blue walk past a group of TVs showing an anime show.)
Anime Red: I am so angru!
Anime Blue: I'm in danger of failing out of major video game academ-y. (Sweat drop)
Anime Pink: What happened to Blue-san, I'm in love with him, ohhh?
Anime Blue: Ohh?
Anime Lord Tourettes: Fuck you.
(In the TV store, a green man & a purple woman look at a tiny television.)
TV: (sings Auto-Tuned) Why do the koi fish (grows legs) cr- cr- cry? (dances with a Japanese flag) Why do the koi fish, die, die, die?
Blue: Eh, this place is too cartoony for me.
Red: (dances with Japanese flag) Why do the koi fish, cry, cry, cry? Der-der-der-der-der-der-herp-derp-dead!
(Red & Blue continue walking through the stores. Blue approaches one)
Blue: Oh sick! Ramen! (picks up a bowl of food)
Red: (walks near Blue with some food) This is some crunchy-ass rice.
Blue: Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones.
(The phones in Red's mouth begin ringing)
Red: I've had a lot of painful poops, but this is gonna be a bad one.
Blue: Yeah, good luck with that.
(While Red continues eating, a purple woman approaches them)Purple Woman: Oh, you need a directions-u?
Blue: Oh yeah wow that'd be great, thanks! (bows to her) Domo arrigato.
Purple Woman: (blushes while speaking Japanese)
Blue: Um, we're trying to get to this resturaunt. (points to the map) Do you know it?
Purple Woman: (giggles while making an Anime face)
Blue: Are you okay?
Purple Woman: (makes a cat face & now has a cat tail)
Red: What is wrong with her face?
Purple Woman: (makes a sparkling anime face then after Red & Blue look at each other in confusion, makes a man face)
Blue: Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh. You are extremley un-helpful.
Purple Woman: Yata! Now must-a go to school today, N-okay? Sayonara!
(She jumps in a giant robot head as it morphs into a giant robot. Red & Blue stare up at it with puppy eyes as the robot approaches a giant monster)
Blue: Oh, my God, all those animes were documentaries.
(the camera shows Japan with the Giant Robot still fighting a monster. A monorail zooms by & soon cuts to Blue & Red)
Red: Aah! That sushi resturaunt better be close. I'm hungry for some more cell phones! (phones ring in Red's body)
Blue: Dude, I think we're here.
(shows Raccoon's villiage as wind blows by, they approach a chinese resturaunt with reads 'Ninja Sushi Open All Night Baby, We're Nocturnal)
Red: How we gonna know what the Raccoon's kid even looks like?
(A Raccoon, passes them)
Raccoon Waiter: Prease, have a seat.
Red: Huh. Guess he's not here.
Raccoon Waiter: Can I help you?
Blue: Konichiwa. We've travelled a long way to find this villiage. Do you know The Raccoon?
(suddenly everyone in the resturaunt stare at Red & Blue)
Raccoon Waiter: The Raccoon!? I hate-a that guy. His-a voice sounds-a so stupid. Right guys?
(shows a Raccoon & a young Raccoon at another table)Raccoon #1: (laughs, ironically with the other Raccoon's exact same voice) Totarry! (to young Raccoon.) Eat your noodles.
Young Raccoon: (has the same voice as well) I don't-a want to eat my noodles!
Son-san: I am Son-san, son of Papa-san. The one you call 'The Raccoon.'
Son-san: This is my wife, Wife-san. And my son, Grandson-san. (both wave at Red & Blue)
Red: Huh. Raccoon looks nothing like his family.
Son-san: A famiry he ABANDONED when he dishonored the mighty Japan with the Great-a Sword of Destiny! It was too powerful for him, (close-up on his face) & YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT! (pulls a sword out & points to Red & Blue)
Red: Oh this is some bullshit! I want some goddamn SUSHI! (Red grabs a knife & slashes Son-san's sword)
Son-san: I will cut the sushi, after I cut-a YOU!
(Red and Son-san continue fighting until Son-san throws Wasabi in Red's face)
Red: (screams) Wasabi! (throws spicy seaweed at Son-san)
Son-san: Aah! A spicy seaweed! (throws Miso at Red)
Red: Aah Miso! (throws Hot Tea at Son-san)
Son-san: Oohh! Hot-a Tea-o!
(Red & Son-san both begin crying while Blue looks away with an annoyed look)
Son-san: Fuck you! Okay, I will make you Sushi! (continues crying)
(Son-san hands Red & Blue sushi)
Blue: Oh thank godzilla.
(Red begins eating the sushi)
Red: I think I liked the cell phones better.
Blue: So the Raccoon, uh, Papa-san, said that you know where to find the Sword?
Son-san: I swore an oath, that I would never revear the rocation of the weapon so it may never fall into his hands again.
Blue: Oh no it's not for the Raccoon, It's for me.
Son-san: Oh! Well that's fine! It's-a just up at that mountain.
(Red & Blue look out the window to find a giant mountain, both stare at it)
Red & Blue: Nope.
(cuts to Blue reading a novel while riding in a wheelchair being pulled by a light green man. It then cuts to Red riding on a Olive green man)
Olive Green: Red-san! Your so fat!
Red: I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch!
Olive Green: Aah, that exprains it.
(They are taken up the mountain & stop at a large temple)Blue: Oh sick!
Red: Oh, damn! I bet they got hell of swords in there!
(Red & Blue run inside the temple while the Olive Green & Light Green men follow them)
Olive Green: Hey, hey, wait, you no pay!
(suddenly the light green man is crushed by the door, Olive Green shivers & screams)
Olive Green: Mr. Makasan! You stop. Very dangerous. You go no further!
Blue: Sorry, man, we're kind of getting our quest on?
Red: Yeah, don't worry about it, pussy. (begins singing) Gettin' my quest on, singing the quest song.
(Red steps on a trap, releasing an axe & slicing the Olive Green man's head off. Blue watches with fear while Red continues walking & singing not noticing what happened)
Blue: Red? Dude! Wait! (runs after him)
Red: (sings) All the girls I like, (high voice) Who's that brave ass dude? (normal voice) It's motherfucking Red in the Temple of Doom.
(Red continues setting off traps. Blue dodges spears pointing to him & also dodges a sword pointing out from the ground, an axe sliding by but gets stabbed by 2 arrows)
(while Red continues singing, he steps on another trap, releasing a boulder & chasing Blue. He then hits a mask which causes fire to burst from it's mouth & burn Blue. Red then floats above spikes but when Blue grabs the rope, arrows shoot at him & fire burns him again. Red enters completely fine while Blue follows with 2 arrows & a dart in him)
Red: Oww, a splinter? This place might be dangerous after all.
Blue: Whoa. (points) There it is.
Red: Man, that little panda was right.
(Blue & Red slowly approach the sword. Red then farts & smells it)
Red: (blows smell away) Oh my god! That's a bad one. Evasive Maneuvers! (floats up)
(Blue continues to approach the sword while Red looks down at him. Blue pulls the sword out but finds no blade on the sword)
Blue: Huh? (investigates) It's- JUST THE HILT OF THE SWORD!
Red: The what of the sword!?
Blue: IT'S JUST THE HANDLE!
Red: That sucks.
Blue: YOU THINK!? We came all this way for the goddamn HANDLE!?
Red: (looks at a giant map below Blue) Man this is a cool drawing! It's got like all 3 condiments!
Blue: You mean continents?
Red: Yeah. Uh there's squiggle, Super squiggle & America!
Blue: Which one are we on now?
Red: (points) We're on squiggle!
Blue: So, there's 2 pieces left?
Red: (lands down) I guess so I don't fucking know.
(The ground shakes & Lord Takagami appears with a flash of lightning, along with demon ninjas who jump out of the shadows)
Red: Oh hey guys, 'sup?Lord Takagami: We are the the Takagami demon army, our blades burn like fire, and our fire stings like ice, and our ice is really fucking cold. We are cursed to protect the great sword of destiny from anyone who seeks to use it's mighty power.
Blue: We don't want to use it, like, I just wanted a birthday present for my girlfriend.
Lord Takagami: Then we shall kill her, too 'cause she will have the sword!
Blue: Err, wait, dude can't we talk about this?
Lord Takagami: The only thing we're going to talk about, is, uh, how dead you're about to be! (pulls out sword & slashes at the stone between Red & Blue).
Red: Fuck this!
(Red leaps out of the way & smashes a hole in the wall.)
Red: This party sucks!
Blue: Run for it!
Lord Takagami: Seize their souls! From our point of view they are the villains, not us. It is totally rational from our side of the story.
(Demon ninjas chase Red & Blue through a forest)
Red: Dude! That's just cray!
Blue: Stop running your mouth & start running your legs!
Red: Why? Are the cops coming?
(Red runs off screaming before falling off a cliff. Blue falls down the cliff & they both roll down it.)
Blue: This is all your fault! I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this!
Red: (Walking on his hands) Dude, shut up the cops are coming!
Blue: They're not cops, they're demons!
Red: Oh, really?
Blue: Why do demons scare you less than cops?!
Red: Demons don't have guns!
(Red & Blue both fall face first onto a dock)
(Red & Blue fall off a cliff onto the the top of a boat. Harbor Dash starts playing. The demon ninja army are running down the cliff. Red & Blue start jumping between the boats with the demon ninja army right behind them.)
Blue: I should've never gone on this stupid quest! I would've been better getting her that bear trap!
Red: Oh, you mean that sweet hat?(Red tries to push away a ladder the ninjas are climbing, but they push it back. Blue pulls up a net, trapping 4 demon ninjas. Blue drops the sword hilt. Red smashes a demon ninja into the floor before picking up the hilt & throwing it to Blue. They start rowing in a boat. A demon ninja tries to jump into the boat, but misses, before being electrocuted. Red fires a harpoon through 3 of the demon ninjas.)
Blue: Red, come on!
(A demon ninja throws a shuriken at the other end of a rope Red & Blue have their feet stuck in, pulling them to the mast of a ship. A demon ninja cuts through the beam holding up the mast causing it to fall onto a boat carrying dynamite.)
TNT Worker: Be very careful with that dynamite. It's going to the exprosion factory.
(The mast hits the dynamite)
TNT Worker: Wasabi!
(the TNT begin to explode in slow motion, knocking the Demon Ninjas back. Red & Blue scream in slow motion & land in a row boat, which begins sailing out to sea.)
Blue: Holy crap, we made it. And we're floating away!
Red: What you talking about?
Blue: I mean, the tides are carrying us out to sea!
Red: Aw yeah, Bermuda Triangle, here we come!
Blue: Well, what are we going to do?!
Red: I don't know, but hey, at least we got sushi. (chunks on the piece of fish in his hand, while Blue yells out in anger)
Red: See ya, Japan! You stink crazy!
(Lord Takagami watches them from a distance, and turns away. Cuts to a scene where Red & Blue are lost out in sea.)
Red: Row boat triiiip! Woo!
Blue: Will you shut up?! I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're in some deep shit!
Red: Uh, I think it's called a rowboat?
Blue: That isn't funny! We're stuck in the middle of the ocean with only the hilt of this stupid sword & now we're going to die out here & I'm going to miss Pink's birthday!
Red: I don't know why you're doing all this crazy stuff for her anyway. Who cares, she's just a girl!
Blue: Well, I love her, okay? That's why.
Red: Whaat dooes that meeean?
Blue: Wait, you really don't know what love means? (Red stares at Blue in silence) Of course you don't. It's this feeling you get when you see someone. Deep down inside of you, your heart starts pumping & you just start feeling happy all over. It's the strongest most wonderful feeling you can have for someone!
Red: So you mean a boner?
Red: Dude, I'm in love all day.
Blue: You are such an idiot!
Red: I wouldn't do all this for a boner. I'd just go online & look up pictures of your mom.
Blue: Shut up! I'm doing this because I think she's in love with me, too.
Red: No way, man, she likes me!
Red: Yeah dude, she's always giving me those dirty looks. Mmm.
Blue: 'Cause she hates you! Red, not every girl in the world thinks you're cool hot shit.
Red: Yeah they do, why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in kindergarten?
Blue: To save my life?
Red: (laughing) What? No! Dude, I was trying to impress all those chicks.
Red: Yeah, worked pretty good too.
Blue: You've beaten me up, embarrassed me, screwed my ex-girlfriends, crapped in my bed, stolen my shit, eaten my food & took my money for years! I stayed friends with you this whole time because for some reason (begins to get frustrated) I actually thought you were my friend, too!
Red: Well you must feel pret-ty stupid.
Blue: (shakes in anger) FUCK. YOU!!
(They begin fighting)
Blue: You're such an asshole! I can't believe you let me think we were actually friends! (punches Red)
Red: Well maybe I'd be friends with you if weren't such a goddamn, (punches Blue) loser all the time!Blue: I'm a loser?! I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet! (kicks Red.)
Red: That was ONE time! You're just racist against ELEPHANTS!!
Blue: (punches Red) I can't believe I stuck by your side for 20 god damn years! I'm not your friend anymore!
Red: Good! I'm not yours!
Red: I'm glad!
(Lightning strikes the boat, splitting it in half. They are both knocked into the sea. They turn around to see a giant wave crashing into them. Blue's phone is seen sinking with Pink calling. It dies & sinks into the deep, dark sea.)
(the screen appears again as a dream sequence showing Red as kid in the events of First Day of Cool, he looks up)
Red: Hey baby, this one's for you. (winks at the girls as they fall for Red)
Stacy: Oh my god, (blushes) who is that?(As Red charges through the bullies, he winks at the girls. Cuts to Red punching a bully then blowing a kiss to the other direction. As Red breaks the bridge he shows off to the girls & says "Yeeeeaaaaahhh". Red & Blue High-Five then Red turns back to Stacy & Pink)
Red: Soooo, what are you doing after recess?
(Stacy & Pink blush when the dream ends to show Blue waking up. He pants then looks over at Red lying on the ground)
Blue: Holy shit. Red? Red are you dead!?
Red: (turns over to Blue with sunglasses on) Nah man just chillin' my back!
Blue: (gets up) God damn it! Where are we?
Red: We're in paradise, mon! (trills)
Blue: No we're not! We're on a deserted island!
Red: We should really sail to Dinner Island first.
Blue: No, deserted isla- oh my god!
Red: (gasps) Is there Burrito island? That sounds waayy better!
Blue: Oh my god. (sits down) Oh my god I'm actually gonna die. (freaks out) I'm gonna die next to an asshole & I'll never see Pink's boobs again!
Red: Yeah, and I'm real worried this place doesn't have internet.
Blue: Oh shit. (gets up and reaches in his pockets) Maybe... Oh no where's my phone? Wait! Dude! Didn't you eat a bowl of tiny cell phones for lunch?
Red: Oh yeah! (tries to push the phone out his ass) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on! (tries pushing again) Nope.
Red: It's not comin' out. (punches his chest, he punches again & coughs)
Blue: Here, let me try! (punches Red's chest)
Red: Ow! Not so hard asshole!
Blue: How about this!? (punches Red's chest again)
Red: Aah-ha-ha, stop it! Let me just try to dial it, with my butt muscles.
(Red peforms small dance moves to dial the phone in his butt)
Blue: Yup, this is my nightmare.
(the phone in Red's ass starts to ring)
Blue: (gasps) It's ringing! (bends near Red's ass) I can't believe I'm doing this! If you fart I'll kill you.
Red: Careful! If I fart I'll kill you.
(the phone picks up)
Girl: (on the line) Hello, you've reached Global Rescue Services, ready to rescue you wherever you are, especially if you're stuck on a deserted island.
Blue: Hello? Can you hear me?
Red: (tries to kick Blue away) Well hello yourself baby, you can rescue me anytime. What are you wearin'. what are you doin'?
Girl: (on the line) Oh you know, just bored at work. I get off at 7 if you want to meet up at Burrito Island &-
(Red farts in Blue's face as the phone breaks.)
Blue: (coughs) Oh my god! (gags)
Red: Oh, I think I broke the phone. (Blue shakes in anger & yells in frustration)
Blue: SCREW YOU! (kicks Red into the sand) That is IT! (angrily walks away)
Red: (gets up) Where you goin'?
Blue: Home! You can finish this god damn quest on your own! (walks away from Red)
Red: (shouts to Blue) I KNEW you were a pussy!
(Blue ignores Red & continues to walk away)
Blue: (walking into a jungle & hitting the branch of a tree) This was this STUPIDEST idea!
Red: Stupid lame-ass Blue. (Puts on sunglasses) The sword is gonna be ♪tiiiiigghhhht!♪
Red: (Singing) Gettin' mah' beach on. Singin' the beach song. Hopin' that a crab doesn't nibble my balls.
(Red falls asleep. After a few seconds, Red suddenly catches on fire. Red wakes up screaming, and runs into the jungle, causing it to catch on fire)
(Meanwhile, Blue walks over the island & realises that island is a paradise)
Blue: Wow! This place is a paradise. The sun is so warm. (touches the water)The water is so clear. The sand (steps over the sand several times) it's like diamonds beneath my feet. The air smells so sweet like--SMOKE!!? (Sees the jungle fire) Red?!! (Gets back to coast & sees Red's on fire, screaming, trying to get to water, then a wave splashes him & causes Red to fall) Red, what did you do?!
Red: What?! (Sees the whole island caught on fire) Oh that.
Blue: You ruin everything!
Red: It's not that bad.
Blue: (madly) WE'RE gonna be burned alive! Huh?(A sound appears slowly) What is that?
Red: King Kong!
Blue: IS... Is that a plane?
(A plane appears fastly)
Blue: (scared) Holy shit, it is a plane!
Red: AAAHH! Sky demon!
Cpt. Crookygrin : (laughs) Cheerio old chaps, grab a hold!
(A ladder appears from the bottom of the plane. Red & Blue grab the ladder, shout & get into the plane while flying over the burning island. Meanwhile, in the plane; the duo is panting there)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Perfectly executed signalfire fire old chaps, spotted it a fort night away. Still damn shame you burned down Burrito Island.
Red: That was Burrito Island? (screams, sadly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Blue looks annoyed)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Or maybe it was Boobie Island.
Red: (screams even sadlier, almost cries) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Blue: Who are you?
Cpt. Crookygrin: You're flying with Captain Major Lieutenant Crookygrin, private 1st class. Retired.
(A picture of Crookygrin appears, his right hand on his head, standing at a soldier pose over a crashed plane)
Blue: You're a pilot?
Cpt. Crookygrin: And an alcoholic, a thousand flights, a thousand crashes. Perfect record.
(The plane loses control, Crookygrin tries to gain control of the plane)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Whoop, wa wa whoop, trying to flip us over you old bitch. Did I mention I'm blind? Alcohol blindness.
Red: (crawls slowly) You & me both, brotha (about to make a high-5, but swings his arm to ground) Uh, woo! (laughs)
Blue: What are you doing flyin' all the way out here?
Cpt. Crookygrin: On my way to Gay Paris, I'm meeting an old friend from the war, Colonel Dingleberry.
Blue: Mr. Dingleberry? (Red surprises, opens his mouth widely)
(Another frame from the war, Mr. Dingleberry & Crookygrin together, in a hole, hold pistols while a tank
missile approaches them)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Haven't seen him since D-Day, or Dingle Day as he liked to call it. Ha ho! We're on a top secret mission to stop 2 blokes from finding the Great Sword of Destiny.
Blue: (shocked) Uh, what 2 blokes?
Cpt. Crookygrin: Oh, the dossier said that their names were..whatwasit..Red & Blue!
(Cpt. Crookygrin stares at Red & Blue with a dramatic expression. Red & Blue both gasp)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Say, tell an old blind man your names.
Red: Uh-, and..Tom.
Cpt. Crookygrin: Tom & Tom! Not enough Toms in the world I've always said, by jove.
Red and Blue: (Nervous) For sure...
Cpt. Crookygrin: This mission is important to me, lads. So important that...I've quit drinking!
(Cpt. Crookygrin stares at Red & Blue with a dramatic expression again)
Cpt. Crookygrin: In fact, I think my alcohol blindness is being cured as we speak. (Looks out the window) I-I think I see a cloud, and an eagle! Bastard! My god, the sun!
Blue: Oh shit, he's gonna see us. What do we do?
Red: Run away, man!
(Red & Blue run to the back of the plane)
Blue: Dude, we're screwed!
(Red spots a box of Alcohol)
Red: ....Maybe not! (Points to the box of alcohol) You thinking what I'm thinking?
Red: We'll just get this guy sloshed he'll be as blind as a pelican!
Blue: Pelicans aren't blind!
Red: (Grabbing a few bottles of beer) Come on!
(They both run back to Cpt. Crookygrin)
Red: Here Crooky, a toast for good luck! (Hands Cpt. Crookygrin a bottle of beer)
Cpt. Crookygrin: No, no. I mustn't never drop. The fate of the queen depends on it!
Red: Wouldn't be very proper to turn down a shot of English gin, would it?
Cpt. Crookygrin: (Grabs the beer bottle) Bitch, proper's my middle name!
(Red & Cpt. Crookygrin both drink a bottle of beer)
Cpt. Crookygrin: Woo-hoo! Tally-ho!
(Suddenly, the plane shakes & gunshots are heard)
Blue: See? I told you this was a bad idea!
(The plane shakes again & more gunshots are heard)
Red: Woah! Dude, you're a lightweight!
Cpt. Crookygrin: Balderdash! I know that sound...Gentlemen, we're under attack!
(We cut to the outside of the plane, as the Demon Ninjas in jetpacks appear)
(The Demon Ninjas in jetpacks approach the plane)
Blue: Holy crap! Are you serious!?
Cpt. Crookygrin: Don't worry chaps, there's a 50-cal on the top turret. Would one of you old boys be a sport & fend off those jerries for old pip, will you?
Red: Alright, you shoot the machine gun, I'll keep the old guy flyin' the plane blind.
Blue: That is the worst plan I ever heard! Alright fine. But in case I die, I still hate you.
Red: (waves to Blue) I hope they shoot you in the face!
(Blue gets up onto the 50-cal & aims it at the Demon Ninjas, where many are surrounding the plane)
Lord Takagami: (approaching the plane on a Jetpack) Seize their souls!
Blue: Oh shit! Jetpack Demon Ninjas!
(back to Red & Cpt. Crookygrin)
Red: We toasted to you so now we gotta toast to me!
Cpt. Crookygrin: Well, it's only customary. To Tom!
(back to Blue)
Blue: Okay. I got this.(Blue begins shooting bullets at the uncoming Ninjas, a few fly past the plane whom Blue shoots with the 50-cal. As Blue continues shooting the plane befores a swirl, killing some Ninjas)'
Blue: Nice evasive maneuvers!
(cuts back to Red & Cpt. Crookygrin)
Cpt. Crookygrin: You leave my mother out of this you twat.
Red: To mothers, everyone's got a mother.
Cpt. Crookygrin: Your mom's got a mother, ho-ho-ho!
(Both Red & Crookygrin drinks, but then Crookygrin falls asleep & a beep sound is being heard, Red looks worried. Then the plane goes up fastly & Blue crashes his head through the window, the ninjas follow the plane, Blue starts to shoot & screams & then vomits)
Blue: Oh my god, i just puked.
Red: (looks at Blue) Don't get cocky!
Cpt. Crookygrin: (suddenly wakes up)Crooky?(and drinks some more from the beer)
(The plane and the ninjas keep flying & one of the ninjas leaves the trail and heads to a cumulonimbus cloud)
Ninja #1: Cumulonimbus? NOOOOOOOOO! (then crashes to cumulonimbus & explodes)
(Blue keeps shooting at the ninjas. The plane is almost on Paris, the Eiffel Tower can be seen, kills one of the ninjas, meanwhile, in cockpit, the calibration meter slowly turns counter-clockwise, Red & Crookygrin are dizzy)
Red: Hey, Red! What's your favourite animal?
Cpt. Crookygrin: I like the color green a lot, but also the bathroom, cuz that's where you can barf! (vomits)
(Blue shoots the last two ninjas, one of the ninjas crashes into another one. The ninjas finally killed)
Blue: (happily) Hey, hey I got the last one, you guys see that? (annoyed) Course you didn't. (looks at the Notre Dame Catedral, shocked) Huh? YOU GUYS SEE THAT!?! (quickly runs back to cockpit) Pull up, we're gonna crash!
Cpt. Crookygrin: (wakes up) Are you hungry?
Blue: (freaks out) YOU GOTTA PULL UP RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!! (pulls up)
(Plane flies between the Notre Dame Catedral, slowly approaches the ground & crashes, slides by meters, a pandomime walks away, and sees the plane approaching to him, then plane stops. Pandomime takes a deep breathe, but plane crashes to him & a blood splatter sound is heard. In the plane, Red & Blue flipped)
Blue: (groans) Everybody okay?
Red: Ugh, I'm fine.
Cpt. Crookygrin: (low voice) I'm-I'm dying. (Red & Blue make a shocked expression)
Red & Blue: Oh shit! (Crookygrin is covered by glass shatters. Blue gets Crookygrin out of armchair, Crookygrin coughs)
Cpt: Crookygrin: Here. (gives a paper to Blue) Take this.
Blue: What is it?Cpt. Crookygrin: You 2 must finish my mission now, stop those 2 bastards, Red & Blue from finding the Great Sword of Destiny. It's hidden in the top of (whispers) La Toure Eiffel.
Blue: What? What does that mean?
Cpt. Crookygrin: I'm counting on you, my dear Tom & Tom.
Blue: No, wait! What is La Toure Eiffel!?
Cpt. Crookygrin: Another flight, another crash... perfect... record. Ahhhh, now tally-ho. (he dies)
(Blue leaves Crookygrin on the ground)
Blue: (whispers) May the eagles carry you up to heaven.
Red: (laughs) That dude's gonna have a hangover tomorrow! Woo-wee.
(The duo leaves the plane)
Blue: Dude, wait! Since it looks like we stuck together, we may as well work together.
Red: I mean, I guess it was pretty sharp shooting up there with those ninjas, even thought you barfed like a loser.
Blue: Shut up. Come on, let's go find that blade.
(Red spots a Purple French waitress in front of the Café Tourettes)
Red: Ooh la la, yeah I'm gonna probe this waitress for directions (makes a pelvic thrust) Hmm!
Blue: Wait, you're gonna do, what? Red, where are you going?
(Mr. Dingleberry seems reading a newspaper, then lowers the paper and dramatic music plays. At the home, Pink tries to call Blue)
Pink: Pick up, pick up, pick up.
Blue(offscreen): (phone plays a voice record) Hey, it's Blue. Just text me. No one listens to voice mail.
(Phone bleeps & begins to record a voice mail)
Pink: Hey Blue, it's Pink. Just calling you for the 100th time. Where've you be--
Phone Employee(offscreen): Mailbox. Full. You crazy.
Pink: (groans) Dammit! (long pause)
(Cut to the scene where Pink goes to Stacy's apartment by bike, then a male voice heard like: "I'm gonna cut you, fool! I'm gonna cut you!" Pink looks at the apartment & a bit worried. Then heads to the door 36DD & knocks the door. The door opens)
Stacy: Sup, bitch?
Pink: Hey, Stacy. You haven't seen Red around have you, Blue hasn't answering his phone for, like, 2 days.
Stacy: Who's Red?
Pink: That guy you have sex with every day.
(Shows a calender that has Red's name on every day except for one Sunday marked Steven and Brad)
Stacy: Hmm, which one?Pink: The one with the hat.
Stacy: Oh, Steven.
(A light green stick appears with a big hat)
Steven: Sup babe, ready for a round tres?
Pink: Uh, never mind! (slowly walks away)
Stacy: (touches the hat) Red, where did you get that hat?
(Meanwhile, in France)
Mr. Dingleberry: Sorry we couldn't meet again old Crookygrin. But I'm sure I'll see you soon. I'm super old.
(Chad-gendermarie comes near to Mr. Dingleberry)
Chad-Gendermarie: (French accent) Are you sure it was Rogue & Blue?
Mr. Dingleberry: Oh, yup. They went that away.
Chad-Gendermarie: (French accent) Fantastic! We'll find zhem no matter what. Gendermarie, (speaking French)! Comb zhe area & your moustaches, especially you Jacques.
(Jacques Bond combs his moustache)
Jacques Bond: Oui!
(Gendermarie splits up the area & looks for Red & Blue, then Lord Takagami's shadow appears, and evil laughter can be heard)
Lord Takagami: Excellent work, Colonel Dingleberry. The sword is safe, thanks to you.
Mr. Dingleberry: You said I'd get a reward.
Lord Takagami: And you shall, you'll be seeing your friend, Crookygrin, sooner than you think! (unsheathes his sword & stabs Mr. Dingleberry)
Mr. Dingleberry: Oh shit! Should've seen that coming (dies)
(Red & the waitress tongue-kiss each other in middle of the table)
Red: Yeah! Lemme show you how to French kiss.
Waitress: (French accent) Why don't you show me your Le Tour Eiffel instead?
Red: (laughs) What?
Blue: Red, what are you doing?
Red: Beat it, man! Kinda havin' a private moment here.
(Camera zooms out to table of a couple)
Dark Blue Male: (French accent) Garcon, there seems to be an asshole in our soup.
(Red farts at the soup, bubble sounds come out, the couple & garson leaves)
Blue: (angrily) Dude, Takagami & those ninjas could still be out there, we've gotta find La Toure Eiffel
Red: Don't worry about him, why don't you es car go get us a bottle of wine?
(Red & waitress laughs then falls from table, only waitress is visible. Blue grabs a French phrase book & tries to speak french but fails, the subtitle says: HE HAS LOTS OF PENIS CRABS, the waitress yucks then runs away)
Red: Don't forget that bottle o' wine!
Blue: (throws the phrase book away) Seriously? We don't have time for this!
Red: Have you seen this place, there's wine & women everywhere. (yells offscreen) WE'RE IN PARADISE MONSIEUR!
(The plane begins to take fire)
Blue: Nope, this is Paris, we gotta find that stupid blade & get out of here!
Red: (sighs) Why do you always bossing everybody around? What are you, the king of.. Europe?
Blue: I just don't have time for another interrup-- (a spotlight sound appears) ...tion.
(shows a Lord Tourettes poster & LT begins to sing with an accordion)Lord Tourettes: (singing) Rumors, rumors, in France it's called frommage. It isn't a mirage. And it's (inaudible) Bagette, bagette, it looks just like a DICK! You bake it in the oven & it smells just like SHIT! Cause France's favourite meal is DEAD BABY NAZI ASS CHEESE POWDER FART! (smiles)
(The audience long pauses in shock & then applauses in amazement)
Random Male: (French accent) Oh. I swear, it's just like my son.
Red: Dude, is that Lord Tourettes?
Lord Tourettes: (to Red & Blue) Well hello BUTT-FUCKERS!
Blue: (annoyed) Yeah, that's Lord Tourettes.
(Lord Tourettes jumps into a seat next to Blue)
Red: Dude, what are you doing in Paris?
Lord Tourettes: Playing the accordian.
Blue: But, why are you in Paris?
Lord Tourettes: TO PLAY THE ACCORDIAN!
(Lord Tourettes' accordian falls into a bowl of soup where the couple from before sits, while Lord Tourettes laughs off-screen)
Dark Blue Male: Garcon, I believe there's an accordian in our soup.
(Garcon angrily slaps the Dark Blue Male as he facepalms in the soup)
Magneta Girl: Uh Garcon, I believe there's a man in our soup?
Lord Tourettes: What are you two doing here?
Red: (gasps) We're here to play the accordian too!
Lord Tourettes: (excitedley) REALLY!?
Red: Wait we're nooot?
Blue: No! We're trying to find something called, Le Tour Eiffel.
Lord Tourettes: Le Tour Eiffel? OH! You must mean, The Eiffel Tower!
Blue: THAT'S what it is!?
Red: French is retarded!
(Suddenly, the French Police break into the restaurant.)
Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks French) Spread out. Find those assholes Rouge & Blue...
(Blue, Red & Lord Tourettes notice the French police break in)
Chad-Gendermarie: ...aand KILL S'EM!
Blue: (gasps) Get down!
(Blue, Red & Lord Tourettes hide behind the table)
Red: I'm always gettin' down. Down, down, down!
Chad-Gendermarie: No one kills a mime in my town..
Blue: (whispering) Stop it! Now the french police are trying to kill us too!
Red: This quest sucks. Whose dumb idea was this?
Blue: Yours, numbnuts! Now shut up & hide!
(Red runs off while Blue hides underneath a table, Lord Tourettes freaks out)
Lord Tourettes: SHIT!
(Lord Tourettes sneaks off but approached by a blue woman & her yellow son)
Light Purple Woman: Waiter? Do you work here? We ordered crab legs.
Lord Tourettes: (notices Chad-Gendermarie approaching him) Why.... Yes you did, they're right here.
Chad-Gendermarie: (shows a picture of Red & Blue to Lord Tourettes) Waiter, have you seen these 2 men?
Lord Tourettes: Uhh....
Blue Woman: Our crab legs?
Lord Tourettes: A moment monseuir.
(Lord Tourettes opens a lid off of a plate but is shocked to find Red in it, Red quickly notices & pretends to be a crab to avoid being noticed)Chad-Gendermarie: Eesh, your food looks.... deliceous.
(the yellow child tries to rip off Red's arm)
Yellow Child: Mama, the crab's legs won't come off!
Light Purple Woman: You must first crack the shell.
(The yellow child cracks Red's arm with a shell cracking device)
Blue Woman: There you go, take a bite.
(The yellow child begins biting Red's arm while tears begin running down Red's face)
Chad-Gendermarie: My, your food is cooked so fresh, it is still crying! My I, try a bite?
Light Purple Woman: Please it is too much for us.
Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks french) Merci beaucoup. (cracks Red's other arm with his hands & takes bites of it while Red is crying even harder.) It is, rather tender.
Lord Tourettes: It's our, uhh... Most famous dish! (giggles)
Chad-Gendermarie: Men! Men! You must come over & try this crab! (Red is whimpering in pain)
(Blue peeks at them from the table then looks behind him at the Dark Blue Male, Blue appraoches them with a sailor hat on, which the Dark Blue Male had on)
Blue: Monseuir, we have finished our sweep. Rouge & Blue are nowhere to be found.
Chad-Gendermarie: Very well, we will return tonight, for dinner! And make sure you have plenty of crab! Gendermarie, (speaking French)! (walks off-screen) Check the next Restaurant!
(Blue throws the hat away, Red starts crying while Lord Tourettes slaps Red's arm out of the yellow child's hand)
Red: Take me back to the ocean!
Blue: Come on dude, be quiet & we can get out of here.
(Red suddenly farts,Lord Tourettes notices and one of the Cops stops & looks back)
French Cop: Did that crab just fart?
Chad-Gendermarie: Crabs do not have BUTTHOLES!
Red: (screams & hugs Blue in fear) DON'T LET THEM EAT ME!
Chad-Gendermarie: Open fi'ya!!
(The cops start shooting at Red, Blue & Lord Tourettes, knocking down many plates & glasses. They run outside & approach someone's car in the back.)
Blue: (panics) We gotta get out of here!
Lord Tourettes: (smashes the car's window for some reason) Get in! I'm-a hotwiring this SHIT!
(They get in the car by the handle, while Lord Tourettes tries hotwiring the car)
Blue: Come on, come on, come on!
Red: I'm not goin' to jail again!
(the car's engine starts, Lord Tourettes giggles cheerfully)
Blue: Thank god! Lord Tourettes! Can you get us to the Eiffel Tower?
Lord Tourettes: You bet your sweet ASS! Now BUCKLE THE FUCK UP! It's gonna be a bumpy ride. (presses his foot on the accelerator)
(The car begins to accelerate fastly, the cops open fire & Chad-Gendermarie talks to a walkie talkie)
Chad-Gendermarie: (static) Alert all units, get me everrryyythiiing!
(Car goes on, makes a right but stops in front of a roadblock)
Cop: Freeze Americans!(Car makes a 180° & deflects some bullet shots, then makes a left & police cars & a chopper approaches them, Blue gasps, then 2 motorcycle cops appears, Red blows raspberry to them, both cops cocks the pistols, Red kicks one of them & causes the cop to die, leaves from the window)
Red: I'll be back!
(Blue crashes the door to the cop in left, Red jumps onto one of the motorbikes & pursuit continues. More cops, police cars & choppers come, motorbike cops open fire, Red deflects bullets, jumps from a ramp, so the motorbike cops, but one of them dies, another one crashes into a truck, Red jumps from a ramp & slo-mo flies over LT's hijacked car. Red, Blue & LT look at each other slo-mo. Then Red goes up from the stairs with 2 more motorbikes. They open fire & one cop crashes into sellpoint. Red kicks the other cop & he crashes to a car, then motorbike, 2 more motorbikes come nearly to car)
Umbrella Seller: (French accent) Umbrellas! Get your umbrellas.
(Red grabs the umbrella from the seller's hand & breaks it in the head of the cop about to open fire. Then other bike crashes & explodes. The helo appears behind the smoke & one of the pilots fires the machine gun from outside. Blue screams & the car deflects all the bullets, then the pilots lands on the car)
Lord Tourettes: Take the wheel BITCH!
(LT climbs up & Blue takes the wheel, LT & pilots begins to fight on hand, while Blue tries to drive, the car makes a sudden spin & LT begins to lose balance, pilot drops him & unsheathes his knife, LT grabs an accordion & hits it on the pilot's face, then plays a note, then beats him with the accordion, meanwhile Red goes from downroad & cop units separate to 2. LT fights more, Red hijacks a cop truck & crashes the other one. LT drops the pilot & car smashes him. LT climbs on the helicopter, punches the other pilot & kills him. Then giggles, presses a button & a machine gun appears from bottom, shooting at the cops & destroys them all)
Blue: Where are we going!?
Lord Tourettes: Follow me I'll guide you to the COCK of Paris.
Blue: The what of what?!
(The helicopter heads to the Eiffel Tower & Blue follows it)
Red: Chases are great! (then gasps & crashes to a cop car & flies off from the car, screams)
(Red falls to ground, slowly gets up, but a cop on a motorbike breaks the gun on his face, Red bleeds, then gets up & gasps)
(Blue turns the car to left, opens the back door, then brakes & lifts the handbrake & grabs Red)
(The car begins to go away)
Red: (coughs) Holy crap. (Blue smiles) I almost died.
(Blue looks at Red like a badass)
Blue: You're welcome motherfucker.
(Lord Tourettes flies by the car)Lord Tourettes: Grab on! (Lord Tourettes pushes down a lever. Red & Blue grab the helicopter & Lord Tourettes flies away with them to the Eiffel Tower) There it is! Le Tour Eiffel! (giggles)
(the helicopter heads straight to the Eiffel Tower with the Police cars following them)
Lord Tourettes: Fun fact, this tower was ERECTED In 1889!
(They jump off the helicopter & onto the tower, helicopter crashes)
Blue: Oh crap! They got us surrounded!
Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks into speaker) Ho-ho you are surrounded! Get off of our cock!
Red: You get off of MY cock, dick!
Chad-Gendermarie: Ho! How dare you!
Cop: Be careful, he curses well.
Blue: LT, can you hold 'em off while we get the blade?
Lord Tourettes: Leave it to (spins) Meeeeee.
Blue: (to Red) Come on. (he & Red climb up the Eiffel Tower) Oh God I'm out of shape.
Red: Dude I'm like King Kong.
Lord Tourettes: How about a little lullaby? (pulls his accordian out & sings) Go to sleep, me pettite, with dreams of fresh baguettes, drink some wine, my sweetheart, I'VE GOT FUCKING ASS SHARTS!
Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks french) I am becoming... very.... Le' sleepy. (all the cops lie on the ground & go to sleep)
Lord Tourettes: (continues singing) Lullaby, will make you sleep. I SAID TOURETTES, YOUR THE FUCKING DICK!
(Red & Blue continue to climb the tower until they reach the top)
Blue: Uh, now what?
Red: Stick it in! Stttiicckk it iiinn!
Blue: You're such a creep.(Blue sticks the hilt of the sword on top of the Effiel Tower. An electrical flash is seen after he sticks the hilt in. Blue then takes it out, with the blade of the sword on the hilt)
Red & Blue: Woah!
Blue: two pieces down, one left to go. I wonder what that last piece is.
Red: I hope it's a dragon!
Blue: I really don't think it's a dragon.
(Red & Blue climb down)
Lord Tourettes: (whispers) Oh! Splendid! You found it!
Red: (whispers) Yeah, but we're still missin' that last piece.
Blue: (whispers) Oh wait, the letter! (pulls the letter out) Damn it it's in French!
Lord Tourettes: (whispers) I can read it! (gets rid of acordian and takes the letter & reads) It says, the last piece of the sword, is a FFF- (struggles not to swear while Red & Blue shush him) Gem! It's a gem. And It's hidden in ASS- (struggles not to swear) In a mountain behind your C- CO- (growls & falls over) Hometown! Fantastic!
Red: (gasps) Really? (speaks french)
Blue: Yeah, that's way convenient.
Lord Tourettes: Good (quietly) fucking luck you two! I hope you find, (waves) your destiny.
Blue: Oh man! Thanks Lord Tourettes! (waves) See ya!
Red: Adios little green man!
Lord Tourettes: Au Revior, (loudly) MOTHER FUCKERS!!! (covers mouth and looks left)
(the cops wake up)
Red: Aah! Run! (Red & Blue climb down the Effiel Tower while Lord Tourettes pulls a gun out)
Chad-Gendermarie: Don't let zhem get away! They have de-filed France's cock! (the cops chase them)
(shows Lord Takagami coming out of some bushes)
Lord Takagami: That sword will be MINE! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh. (hides in the bushes slowly)
Chapter 10(we see Red & Blue travelling back to America in the map)
Narrator: (off-screen) And so, Red & Blue escaped from the Takagami Demon Army & French police & took a long convoluted map journey home to find the last piece of the Great Sword of Destiny so Blue could get Pink a birthday present, or something. I don't know, this movie is crazy. Am I in your mind? Are you in mine??!! RRRAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (shoots himself)
(Red & Blue arrived to a metro station, a train crashes into their handcar)
Blue: Ugh, I'm never taking a plane, boat, submarine, turtle dragon, motorcycle, rocket, parachute, train, handcar again.
Red: Yeah, I mean, probably not.
(Red climbs from the ladders and gasps. A bar is shown, the R's light is twitching, then a medical, then an theatre named "Girls Nude", some of the girls groaning offscreen)
Red: Ah, America. It's good to be back.
Blue: (climbs from the stairs & looks at the map) Okay. According to LT, the gem of the sword is hidden in a mountain. Are there any mountains around here?
(Red & Blue looks around Red looks under his legs, then spots a mountain)
Blue: Huh. Never noticed that before.
(Stacy comes up)
Stacy: Sup boys?
Red: Stacy? I see 2 mountains right here! (goes near to Stacy)
Blue: Oh crap, not now! Dude, we don't have time for this.
(Stacy hugs Red)
Red: Pssh, it can wait a little bit. The gem hasn't gone anywhere for like a billion years.
Blue: Pink's birthday party can start any minute! No gem, no sword. No sword, no present. No present, no Blue & Pink!
(Stacy begins to lick Red, and he has a beer can)
Red: Relax, I'll just have a drink or 2.
Blue: (angrily) You never just have a drink or 2!
(More girls come & dance around, Red holds too many beer cans & drinks a bottle)
Red: I promise, just a couple of bottles & we'll have that whatever it is in no time!
Blue: (madly) Red, seriously what the hell? We're so close!
(More more girls appear & fills the screen, Red wears sunglasses)
Red: Don't be such a stick in the butt dude, we made it home, it's party time man, hey LAAAADIIIIEEEEEES!!!Blue: (frustratedly) I don't know why I ever trusted you! You never follow through on anything! This is the most important thing that's ever happened to me & you're bailing?!!
(A limousine appears & speakers appear over the car, just like in "A Bee or Something'")
Red: Dude, there's boobs in here, what am I supposed to do?
Blue: Be my friend!
Red: Sorry bro, this train is leavin' for Waste Face USA, population: (makes a small Rap) ♪Dis hoes, dis nuts and dis bottle o' Jack. Get over here girl, put yer face on my sack.♪ Whoo!
(The limo goes fastly & leaves a dust trail behind, we see Blue in distraught)
(The dust disappears & Blue makes an upset and determined expression, meanwhile, in Pink's birthday party; Zack & Ed drinks beer)
Animated Zack Keller: Dude this party sucks.
Animated Ed Skudder: Eh, least they got free beer.
(Pink looks at the phone, no new messages from Blue)
Pink: (sadly) Happy birthday, to me... Happy birthday... where's Blue?
(the camera slowly zooms towards the mountain, shows Blue near the mountain)Blue: Jesus. That Raccoon's reward better be worth it. I don't need that jerk, I can do this alone. This is for you Pink, I'm comin' baby. Time to get my quest on! Begin EPIC MONTAGE!
(Blue begins climbing up the mountain, Red's next to 2 girls on a table as Red opens a bottle of beer, Blue continues sadly climbing the mountain, Red's with dancing girls, Blue falls down the mountain, Pink sadly strokes a picture of Blue before the wind blows it away, Red sinks into Stacy's boobs, Blue's riding a Sheep on the mountain but is seen falling again, Pink strokes a picture of Blue on her phone before the wind blows it away, shows Raccoon hitting a Scarecrow with a fake sword, Blue tries hitting an Eagle with the sword but suddenly starts flying on it before falling down the mountain again, Raccoon peforms a stronger hit on the scarecrow, Red is seen really drunk with the girls & falls over before a bottle hits his head, Pink looks at a picture of Blue on her computer but surprisingly gets blown away by the wind. Blue, with his might, climbs the mountain. Raccoon peforms one more attack on the Scarecrow, Red's vomiting on a toilet, Pink's outside her house & starts crying while an Ambulance drives by which shows Red inside looking at Pink under depression. Blue finally makes it to the top of the mountain but realises Lord Takagami's right in front of him. The screen goes black)
(one of the Ninjas take a bag off Blue as he begins to wake up finding himself held by two Ninjas)
Blue: Hey, what's going on!? OH MY GOD! (shows a pool of lava underneat him) What the hell!?
(Lord Takagami & his Demon Ninjas are on another cliff above Blue's. Lord Takagami inserts the gem on the sword as it shines)
Lord Takagami: YEEEEAAAAAAAHH!!! Oh my God, check this out! It is so cool! Isn't this cool!?
(Lord Takagami stabs one of his Ninjas)
Ninja #2: Oh boss! That feels crazy! Whoooaaaaaa.... (falls in the lava, Blue sees this & turns his gaze up to Takagami)Lord Takagami: I suppose we should be thankful Blue-san. You led us straight to the Great Sword of Destiny, and now I am going to avenge every person who has died, EVER!
Blue: Wait, what about all those people who died of old age?
Lord Takagami: Them TOOOOOO!!!
(Blue angrily struggles to get out of the Ninjas' hands)
Blue: THAT'S A STUPID PLAN!! Now give me back that sword!
Lord Takagami: Hm! Your a stupid plan! (off-screen, shows Blue looking down at the lava) Throw the round head into the Volcano!
(Blue begins to panic, the ninjas throw Blue into the volcano, and before falling into the lava, Red swings in & saves Blue. Raccoon swings in & takes the Sword from Lord Takagami)
Lord Takagami: MY GHOST KNIFE!!
Blue: Red!? What are you doing here!?
Red: After I finished drinking all those girls & screwing all that Beer, I decided I should come back, for my friend!
Blue: I must be dead.
Raccoon: Brue-san! The red one tells the truth. You have a very good friend indeed.
Red: You were right man, for once I gotta finish what I started. Plus that sword is pretty tight.
Blue: That's what I've been saying the whole time! So, (smiles) you're back?
Red: I'm back dude.
(Lord Takagami & Raccoon jumps to a rock then Takagami unsheathes his sword, the 2 prepare for the final clash)
Lord Takagami: You, you're back?
Raccoon: It is time to finish what I started 10,000 years ago!
Lord Takagami: Are you still butt hurt, about the little geisha you called a wife?
Raccoon: The onry one who's about to be hurt is you.
Lord Takagami: (laughs evilly) You really think you can defeat, all of us?!
(Shows the ninjas surrounding them)
Raccoon: Didn't you know? I can go arr night baby. (zooms in to its face) I'm nocturnar!(The sword duel begins between Lord Takagami & Raccoon, the ninjas run over to Red & Blue)
Blue: We're in for a huge fight, aren't we?
Red: You know it! Try to take some notes.
Blue: Hah! Yeah right, I didn't play all those video games for nothin'.
(The duo begins to beat the ninjas up)Blue: New challenger appears! (blocks the ninja's attack & punches him) K.O! (rips ninja's head by fist) Flawless...(kicks ninja)...Victory! Finish him!(breaks the ninja's neck) Oh my god, this is actually working!
Red: Yea dude, keep doin' it!
Blue: Hadouken! (performs a Hadouken move)
Red: Brutality! (kicks the ninja's face)
Blue: Animality! (rips ninja's heart off)
Red: Bestiality! (kicks the ninja in his crotch & smiles)
(Meanwhile, the sword clash between Takagami & Raccoon continues)
Lord Takagami: You can't kill me, you're just a stupid raccoon! (attacks Raccoon)
Raccoon: (blocks Takagami's attacks) You need-a better insurts!
(Raccoon flies over the Takagami & cuts his mask off, then lands & looks behind. The mask slides away, Takagami slowly gets up, but a raccoon head is seen)
Raccoon: (gasps) Father-san?
Red & Blue: Holy shit!
(A flashback to a time where Father-san trains Raccoon as a kid)Father-san: If you ever want to fight evil, you must keep your elbows straight.
Raccoon: Father, one day I want to go to America.
Father-san: That is not a country yet!
(Back to present)
Raccoon: (points at Father-san) You are Rord Takagami?
Father-san: Did you ever really wonder why do we have the same last name?
Raccoon: (yells) IMPOSSIBRUUUUUUUUUUUU!
(Then sword clash keeps where it was, Raccoon begins to attack furiously to Father-san, growls several times, then jumps over his head, also Father-san does, then sticks his sword in a rock, Raccoon falls, then gets up & throws the sword, cuting his dad's arms off, then takes back his sword. Father-san yells loudly in pain & bends over, his arms bleed)
Raccoon: Father-san, why did you become-a so evir?
Father-san: I had to avenge all the people who have died.
Raccoon: But, by kirring peopre, aren't you creating-a more peopre you need to avenge?
Father-san: Yes! This way, I can do this sweet job FOREVER!
Raccoon: (prepares for the final attack) You are evir!
Father-san: And you kept your elbows straight.
Raccoon: Sayonara, father-san.
(Then Raccoon decapitates his father, causing both his father's head & body to fall into the lava. Red & Blue watches that happen, then turns to Raccoon)
Red: Oh shit, nature's ninja!
(Then the duo runs near to Raccoon)
Blue: Raccoon, you okay?
Raccoon: I am...so sad.
Red: But you did it, man. You frickin' cut your dad's head off!
Raccoon: (sighs) It is true. Takagami is finarry defeated.
Red: Yeah, that hombre is muerte!
(Then a quake happens, Blue looks around shockly)
Blue: What is that?
(Raccoon senses something coming)
Raccoon: Ocho Muerte!
(Then looks at the crate, Father-san's head resurfaces, then morphs into Ocho Muerte. The trio dodges Ocho Muerte as it slowly rises up from the mountain & heads to the city)
Raccoon: Forrow me!
(The trio climbs up & looks at the city being attacked, the humongous Ocho Muerte rises up & roars)
Raccoon: Ooooooooooooooooooh fuuuck!
Blue: (freaks out) Holy shit, that's Ocho Muerte?!!
Red: That is a big-ass sushi!
Raccoon: Boys, your town is in grave-a danger.Blue: Oh my god. Pink!
Red: (relaxes) She's probably fine.
(Ocho Muerte smashes a building, Red looks surprised)
Red: Okay, we should probably get down there.
Blue: Let's go! (The trio heads to the city)
Raccoon: Quickry, there is no time to rose!
(shows Pink's birthday party now with more people, Stacy (drunk) approaches Pink)
Stacy: Hey Piiiink. (drinks beer) Have you ever met my sister? (points to the Fat Ugly Girl behind her)
Fat Ugly Girl: (quietly) Happy Birthday. (drinks out of cup)
Pink: (sadly) Thanks. I just wish Blue was here.
Stacy: Whatever bitch, boys are overrated.
(Ocho Muerte crushes a table as Pink & Stacy notice Ocho Muerte on the ground. Everyone runs away while Pink & Stacy scream in fear)
Pink: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
Stacy: Wow this party's crazy! (Ocho Muerte smacks Stacy away) Aah my boobs!
(Pink grabs a chair & hits Ocho Muerte's arm with it. The arm goes for Pink right when Raccoon chops the arm off. Blue & Red(flying) run in)
Pink: Blue? What's going on!?
Blue: Sorry I'm late! It's a looong story.
Red: Just like my dick!
Blue: Really Red!?
(Raccoon jumps on the edge of the Apartment roof)
Raccoon: Ocho Muerte! Go back-a from-a whence you came!
Ocho Muerte: (laughs evily) You can't kill the Takagami THAT easily!
Raccoon: Father-san, you are Ocho Muerte too!?
Ocho Muerte: When you defeated me, I trapped your wife, for eternity! A Takagami could NEVER marry a Geisha!Raccoon: But Father-san! I roved her!
Ocho Muerte: Then how about a reunion!?
(Ocho Muerte grabs Raccoon as he drops the sword)
Raccoon: Boys! It's up to you now! (Red & Blue gasp) Oh no! Noooo!
(Raccoon falls into Ocho Muerte's mouth)
Blue: No! Papa-san!
(Blue & Red notice Pink is being taken by Ocho Muerte)
Pink: Blue, help!
(Ocho Muerte climbs the Apartment)
Red: Dude! (points) The sword!
(Blue looks back at the sword then up at Pink. Blue growls & runs in slow motion to the sword, Ocho Muerte's arm prepares to crush Blue)
Red: (in slow-motion) Cartwheel dude!
(Blue cartwheels, grabs the sword & jumps to Pink)
(Ocho Muerte prepares to eat Pink but Blue chops his arm off, saving Pink. His arm falls & breaks the edge Blue is standing on. He falls along with the sword)
Red: Blue! (runs to Blue)
Pink: No!(right before Blue falls in Ocho Muerte's mouth, Red grabs Blue & the sword, Red's hanging off the cliff)
Blue: Dude! I'm slipping! You can't pull me up with just one arm!
Red: But, I'll drop the sword!
Blue: Do it! Or you'll drop me!Red: Sorry dude.
Blue: What? (Red lets go of Blue) Nooooooooo!
(Blue falls into Ocho Muerte's mouth. It suddenly cuts to Red holding Blue again)
Blue: RED! Did you just imagine dropping me!?Red: Maayyybeee. Ah fuck it. (lets go of Blue & the sword)
(Blue & the sword fall into Ocho Muerte's mouth. It suddenly cuts to Red holding Blue again)Blue: Stop imagining ways to kill me & pull me up!
Red: Nah! (falls of the building with Blue & the sword as they fall into Ocho Muerte's mouth. It suddenly cuts to Red holding Blue again.)
Blue: I thought we were actually friends this time.
Red: (smiles) We are.
(Blue smiles at Red. Red lets go of the sword & pulls Blue up. The sword falls into Ocho Muerte's mouth, who chokes & explodes. After a few seconds, the smoke clears Red & Blue cough & recover)
Red: Holy shit! You okay?
Blue: No way. You?
Red: Nah. Hey man, I'm sorry I've been such an asshole. I've uh, never really had a friend before.
Blue: It's all good man, just stop pooping in my bed okay?
Red: I never pooped in your bed.
Blue: I've been pooping in my sleep!?
Red: Nah I'm just messin' with ya I poop in your bed, but I won't anymore.
(Raccoon is heard coughing)
(Red & Blue climb back up to the roof)
Red: Raccoon! That you?
(as more smoke clears, Raccoon is seen coughing and lying on the ground)
Raccoon: (gets up) I'm arive?
Blue: Whoa, we thought you were super dead!
Raccoon: Not yet.
(they hear a female voice coughing)
(they find another Raccoon with a bow tie on her head, as she coughs she starts to sound like Raccoon)
(Raccoon & Mama-san run up to each other & hug)
Raccoon: I thought, I rost you forever.
Mama-san: No my rove, onry for 10,000 years.
Raccoon: I wirr never rose you again.
Blue: That's...your wife?
Raccoon: Yes. I courd not face my son after destroying Japan, and I feared the sword was rost forever. Thanks to your bravery, it has been reconstructed and I courd finar'ry save my wife.
Blue: Wait. So this whole time we were actually risking our necks for you?
Red: We got tricked!
Raccoon: I did trick you into finding the sword for me. But what you found for yourserves was friendship.
Blue: That's true.
Red: Lammee--(Blue glres at Red)uh, yeah, yeah.
Blue: (Gasps) Pink!
(Pink runs up to Blue)
(Pink & Blue hug eachother)
Pink: I was so worried about you! I thought you were dead!
Blue: You know I'd never miss your birthday party.
Mama-San: Young rovers, this sacred rotus flower has kept our rove strong for 10,000 years. May it do the same for you. (gives the lotus flower to Blue & Pink)
(Blue & Pink bow)
(The Raccoon & Mama-San also bow)
Pink: Blue, it's beautiful!
Blue: I told you I'd get you something special.
(Pink & Blue kiss)
Pink: I love you.
Blue: Heh. I love you too.
Red: I got a boner!
Blue: (sarcastic) Good one.
Red: Dude, aren't you glad you went on this quest?
Blue: Yeah, man. I told you I wasn't a pussy.Red: Pssh, I always knew we could pull it off.
Red: Well, yeah! Cuz we're awesome!
(Red & Blue end the movie with a high-five. The high-five gives an electrical shock as we cut to the film's logo zooming in.)
(After the credits, the Auto-Tuned Bee flies up the black screen.)
Auto-Tuned Bee: That shit was crazyyyy! Yeaahh.