|Season 1, Episode 9|
|Air date||March 10, 2011|
|Episode run time||2:45|
Attack of the Pwns
Cerulean (aka Blue) hopes to gain +4 charisma points by saving Pinkcess from the Evil King Richard Figures the Long Shaft.
Narrator: Now follows a fabled tale about the brave knight, Maroon and his trusty companion, Cerulean the Wizard, who ventured to a dangerous World of War and Craft to rescue the fair maiden Pinkcess, from the evil King Richard Figures the Long Shaft.
(As the narrator speaks, it shows a real life book with pencil draw images of a Red stick figure with a shield and sword along with a Blue stick figure with a hat. It first shows how they climb a mountain and then how they are besides a castle where a pink stick princess screams 'HELP!'. It finally shows a red stick-man with a beard, cape and crown, with a angry and evil face.)
Maroon (Red): Stand fast, ogre, for I'm about to cleave thee a new butthole!
(He slices open the ogre, killing it. It leaves a pile of gold coins.)
Maroon: Oh, sick. Loot! Ding! (Takes the gold.)
Cerulean (Blue): Dude-eth, if you kill every ogre you see, we'll never rescue the princess!
Maroon: Hell no, gay lord. What is with thy cap and has thou turned thy penis into a stick?!
Cerulean: 'Tis a wizarding cap and 'tis a wizarding wand, so you can just....shutthefuckupicus! Aaaah.
(Cerulean's points his wand to Maroon and the wand makes a long farting sound. Maroon first grins and then facepalms.)
(Time lapse. They approach to a forest, where a sign was writen: Now Entering the SHIT PISS FART WOODS, alongside a green man sitting on a tree trunk and playing a lute.)
Green man: (giggles) Aha. ♪ Weary travelers, Red and Blue, shall I sing a FUCK! (his eyes turn red and his teeth sharpen when he says the bad word) for you? ♪
Cerulean: Umm... what?
(Lord Tourettes giggles, grins, and sticks out his tongue while raising his eyebrows.)
Cerulean: No, thanks. We're kinda gettin' our quest on...
Lord Tourettes: (giggles) Too late! For I've just begun! A tweetle COCK!, and a tweetle BALLS!, pony sparkles, bubblegum. Glitter fairies in my BUTTNAZIASSTHUNDERPUBICHAIRCHODEDOUCHEINMYMOUTH! (Turns back into normal and strums the lute a last time. Maroon raises his sword menacingly.)
(Time lapse. Maroon and Cerulean are walking.)
Cerulean: I can see the castle! The princess is just up ahead!
(Maroon drags Lord Tourettes' bleeding decapitated head.)
Maroon: Doth she have big boobs?
Cerulean: Fo sho.
Maroon: Then make haste!
(Cerulean and Maroon approach the "castle".)
Cerulean: Ah! The fair maiden! Maroon, cover me!
Maroon: (low voice) You have my bow.
(Maroon wields a bow. Cerulean runs to the castle and starts to climb on it. A wooden window opens and a guard approaches. He first throws a rock at Cerulean.)
Cerulean: Ah! (Dodges the rock by lowering his head.)
(The guard then throws an axe at him.)
Cerulean: Whoa! (Dodges the axe)
(The guard throws a sword, plus 2 ninja stars at him.)
Cerulean: Ah! Aaah! (Barely dodges the weapons)
(The guard finally throws some black acid at Cerulean)
Cerulean: OH SHIT! Help! Help!
Maroon: I got your back!
(He fires an arrow with the bow and hits Cerulean in the back.)
Cerulean: Gaaah! You got my back!
Maroon: That's what I said!
(Maroon fires another time and hits Cerulean again on his back...)
Cerulean: A-! What the hell?! COME ON! Stop firing arrows!
Maroon: (suddently armed with a crossbow) Whoaa, I found a crossbow!
(Maroon fires two arrows with the crossbow and misses the guard. He then fires another arrow and hits the guard in the head, which he falls off.)
Cerulean: Aaaah... finall-- (An arrow hits him in the back.) AAAAAGH!! GOD, DAMN IT!!
Pinkcess: I'm going home!
(Time lapses. It then shown that it was all a role-playing game. They are in their apartment with a board game.)
Pink: Call me when you're done playing with your wand. (Leaves with her purse.)
Blue: Uh H--Wait, Pink! Come back! (door shuts as he sighs)
Red: How dare thee ruin D&D night, wench!
Blue: Roll for sadness...(rolls the dice), critical fail... (He dunks his head on the table in despair.)
Red: Condolences, brother. But as King Richard Figures once quoth: " Man, she's a BI--"
Dick Figures Title
- The first time that the title's name change the word dick to another name.
- Text was made to resemble the Old English style.
- The narrator's voice from the beginning of the episode is the same voice as the narrator from the Modern Flame War 3
- It shows Red and Blue are ambidextrous because in the story book they are holding their sword and wand, respectively, in their right hands but when Blue lifts his wand and Red lifts his sword, they use their left hands.
- Although the narrator calls them Maroon and Cerulean, they are called Red and Blue by Lord Tourettes, although this could be his disorder as Cerulean said "Maroon, Cover Me!".
- The Wilhelm scream can be heard when Red shoots a crossbow to the Black enemy. It sounds likes Yogi Bear (2010), Monster vs. Aliens (2009), Adventure Time (One episode), Falling balls (App), Family Guy (one episode), Staw Wars Trilogy (After the fall of the Republic), Indiana Jones (First three movies), and other TV shows, movies, or some games.
- The episode is named after RPGs
- In He Who Shall not be Maimed it stated that Role Playas and maybe Attack of the Pwns is part of an Expansion pack.
- Lord Tourettes makes his debut in this episode.
- Blue is believed to be a nerd due to his "Dungeons & Dragons" game.
- Pink is still dating Blue. She must be desperate for a boyfriend or loves him that much.
- This episode so far is the only episode with an alternate episode ending.
- This is so far the only Dick Figures episode to have a case of friendly fire(when Red shot Blue's back with arrows).
- Pinkcess' tower looks like a penis.
- The bushes on the side of the tower represent testicles.
- He Who Shall not be Maimed (a short related to this episode) is based in Voldermort's other name from Harry Potter.
- Red says "You have my bow.". This is based on the first Lord of the Rings film where Legolas says the same to Frodo when he joins the fellowship.
- This is one of the favorites episodes of the creators of Dick Figures, Ed and Zack, confirmed in the Dirty Shorts interview with them.
- King Richard Figures the Longshaft may be a reference to King Edward the Longshanks .
- Without Lord Tourettes' outbursts of swearing, his dialogue would have sounded like this.
- "Weary travelers Red and Blue, shall I sing a song for you?"
- "A Tweedle Dee and a Tweedle Dum. Pony sparkles bubblegum. Glitter fairies in my bum."
- Pink says that was worse than their first date obviously refering to Trouble Date.
The word KING RICHARD FIGURES is written in cursive with the shows theme song playing, Lord Tourettes' laughter is heard in the episode selection. (Richard is sometimes shortened to 'Dick', hence the pun.)
The Last Line Being Cut
Red saying "bitch".